Your selflessness disempowers others

Here’s a common response I hear from clients on why they hold themselves back:

“Saying no and having boundaries feels selfish. I don’t want to be seen as a selfish person.”

You may hold such negative connotations to the concept of yourself being ‘selfish’ even if you applaud others for prioritizing themselves. Or you may resent them for it. That frustration likely has roots in your own desire to prioritize yourself.

You’ve likely learned that similar bullshitery that I did: whatever you do, don’t be selfish. Instead, serve others through people pleasing or defaulting to other’s wants.

What are your own beliefs about selfishness? How might those not be true?

In a recent Creativity Lab conversation on how we need selfishness to prioritize our creative process, community members relabeled selfish to self-full.

One of my dear 1:1 mentorship clients shared how learning to value her own time has meant no longer allowing others to waste her time and energy. She had always wanted to have an open door and to mentor others - to not be selfish, to serve. But when she did an audit of those appointments, interactions, and relationships, she found that folks were coming to her unprepared or wanting to shift their work onto her.

In this dynamic, your selflessness is also disempowering to others because you aren’t letting them take responsibility for themselves and their own journey.

The pattern of not wanting to be seen as selfish gets you into overing and rescuer mode to the point of burnout. Here’s something else though.

Selflessness also gets you into rust out - which is the unmotivated, apathetic feeling towards work. You have been so selfless – following other people’s advice, values, or wants for you–only to wake up feeling blah and unsure of your own wants, values, and desires.

Here’s what my client noticed, when she shifted out of selflessness and toward prioritizing herself: she had more energy! By putting boundaries on draining relationships and shifting the responsibility back onto others for their own choices and actions, she also regained time to pursue her own passion tasks and projects. That, my friends, is living a life of self-full.

We’ve all heard it before, and it remains true: If you don’t prioritize your own energy, health, schedule, etc., no one else will.

And when you do prioritize these things, I guarantee you that once you’re nourished you will have more energy and contribute back to the community and your connections with others. In part because you’ll be out of the resentment of giving into what you perceive as other’s demands. And when you do this from a right-aligned, deep-knowing place, I promise you that it is not selfish or harmful to others. You, living your full, whole life authentically will actually empower and serve others better.

What’s one thing you could do that would feel more self-full? Do that for yourself!

What’s the potential of you learning to be more self-full?

Where in your life is craving some self-prioritization?

P.S. On January 19 at 11am MT, we’re going to talk all about rust out, what it means for you and your relationship to work, and learn some solutions and pathways to shifting into a more intentionally aligned and embodied life and work. Join us. It's free! (I'll send out a recording, so sign up even if you can't make it live.)