How to Engage with Others without Getting Hooked
It’s an understatement to say that everything these days feels extra frenetic. That’s on top of the typical cycle that comes every October when the back-to-school energy has long faded into mid-semester/season tension, stress, and compounding deadlines.
No wonder then that increasingly, the most challenging part of work, family, and community life is showing up without being pulled into other folks' emotions, drama, and fear.
I needed a practice to create space between the reactivity of others and my own sensitivity as I was healing my own burnout and breakdowns but still working in the academy. I didn’t know how to not just armor up. I wanted to show up with an open heart and a strong back supported by flexible boundaries. (Or at least as close to that as possible.)
So, I developed what I call putting on your sociologist (or observer) hat. It helps you stay present, observe, and respond rather than react or get pulled in. Now seems like a really important moment to implement this.
Observer Mode
When I used to teach qualitative research, I would send grad students into public spaces to practice being participant observers. Instead of walking into a meeting or casual conversation as a fully invested participant, experiment with stepping into the role of observer.
Here’s the rundown: Immerse yourself. Suspend temporarily any assumptions about the why of behaviors. Take notes, details, verbatim word use, descriptions of interactions, and reflect on any personal stories or influences that come in. (I would make a side column to keep those separate from observations).
The Sociologist Hat practice
Notice group dynamics: Who allies with whom, who doesn’t? What patterns emerge? What happens when tension appears?
Pay attention to body language: What body language do you notice? Observe gestures, posture, and tone as neutral data. Resist the urge to assign motives or meanings right away.
Gossip, complaining, or bids for drama are data points, not personal invitations.
What I love about this practice is you’re still present and engaged, but you're not pulled into someone else’s spiral. This isn’t detachment from care and community. It’s conserving your energy and protecting your nervous system so you don’t carry home everyone else’s gunk. It also lets you see patterns more clearly for what they are.
Over time, you start to notice that others’ behaviors are often about their own fears, habits, or needs, not about you. This helps you create a buffer so you can navigate relationships with clarity and calm.
Try this practice, let me know what your data points tell you and then we’ll dive into to how to use that data to make your own shifts or pivots.